01
Jun
11

joesky, you shall rue this day (2 weeks ago)

belated newsflash!

Respected OSR blogger Joesky the Dungeon Brawler cannot be taken seriously!

Joesky is the eminence grise behind Wednesday Night Fights, in which ferocious gladiators engage in a pugilistic dialectic.  Full well knows Joesky the nihilistic credo of Cormac McCarthy’s ultimate antagonist, the archonic Judge Holden:

“Men are born for games. Nothing else. Every child knows that play is nobler than work. He knows too that the worth or merit of a game is not inherent in the game itself but rather in the value of that which is at hazard. Games of chance require a wager to have meaning at all. Games of sport require the skill and strength of the opponents and the humiliation of defeat and the pride of victory are in themselves sufficient stake because they inhere in the worth of the principals and define them. But trial of chance or trial of worth all games aspire to the condition of war for here that which is wagered swallows up game, player, all.”

Therefore, thanks to Joesky, the penultimate battle: Tom Selleck’s mustache versus William Shatner’s weave.

yet he who flies close to the sun must not secure his feathers with wax!

Months ago Joesky pit Doom against Doom: Thulsa Doom versus Doctor Doom.

Weeks ago, Joesky realized he’d left these two fighting unattended all that time–and declared the fight for Thulsa Doom.

The outcome is scarcely less preposterous than Joesky’s sophistry: Doctor Doom can’t really be a magician (can he?!) and therefore Thulsa Doom wins, because magic beats science:

QUICK AWSNER: FUCK IT AND FUCK YOU MARVEL COMICTS.  NO WAY IS DOCTOR D. A SORCEROR – NOT ON MY WATCH, DICKHEADS.  HES JUST A JERK IN SOME ARMOR . . . DOES SCIENCE EVER BEAT MAGIC, I DONT THINK SO)

A most fallacious syllogism!  Joesky straight bugging!

Doctor Doom was always a combination of science and sorcery, going back to his first appearance.  Check out that bookshelf!

Doom's verbal metaphors are so crushingly cliche'd that he has to reinforce them with auxiliary visual metaphors

New York’s finest nerds have debated “How can you possibly beat Doctor Doom???”  The consensus of Gotham’s sages: you cannot.  Only Doctor Doom can defeat Doom.  Doctor Doom can defy causality and what we foolishly believe to be purely linear time:

thulsa doom is merely the rough draft of skeletor

‘Nuff said.

helping to pay joesky’s tuition

Here is Conan, statted for the Marvel Super Heroes RPG.

KING CONAN of Aquilonia

Conan of Cimmeria: Thief, Pirate, Raider, King

Primary Ability Rank Secondary Ability Score
Fighting Amazing Health 130
Agility Remarkable
Strength Excellent Karma 66
Endurance Remarkable
Reason Typical Resources 40 per week
Intuition Remarkable
Psyche Remarkable Popularity 30

POWERS

None

GEAR

  • Broadsword. Inflicts 10 points of Hack and Slash damage.
  • Maille. Absorbs 4 points of physical damage.

TALENTS

  • Woodcraft
  • Edged Weapons
  • Thievery
  • Sailing
  • Military
  • Leadership

let’s class this up with some more mccarthy to close

Towering over them all is the judge and he is naked and bowing, his small feet lively and quick and now in doubletime and bowing to the ladies, huge and pale and hairless, like an enormous infant. He never sleeps, he says. He says he’ll never die.


15 Responses to “joesky, you shall rue this day (2 weeks ago)”


  1. June 1, 2011 at 5:08 pm

    That post was suspicious! At first, I thought that maybe Joesky was a secret member of Thulsa Doom’s cult. Now, I think Joesky is Thulsa Doom!

  2. June 1, 2011 at 5:21 pm

    Impeccably reasoned! We have never seen a picture of Joesky, therefore he must have a skull for a face. I probably shouldn’t antagonize him like this!

  3. 3 Zak S
    June 1, 2011 at 7:25 pm

    Reason: Typical?
    I think not.

  4. June 1, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    I can see an argument for Good Reason, since Conan is a shrewd and crafty bugger. But in the rule book Reason specifically measures deductive logic, scientific aptitude, and facility with technology, and those aren’t Conan’s strong suits. He’s completely dumbfounded by Nabonidus’s devices in “Rogues in the House,” and displays almost zero intellectual curiosity in “Queen of the Black Coast” and “Phoenix on the Sword”–not because he’s stupid, but rather he’s totally indifferent to anything beyond his immediate experience.

    For a guy with zero education, I think he’s pretty impressive just to break even. For cunning and shrewdness, I figure that’s Intuition or Psyche at work, and in those areas he’s borderline superhuman.

  5. 5 joeskythedungeonbrawler
    June 2, 2011 at 3:33 am

    THE FIRST : DR. DOOM

    SIENTIST, SORCERER, OH AND ALSO BI GTIME LOSER!!!!!!1 GOT HIS DICK KICKED INTHE DIRT BY PLASTIC MAN, THINGS, FIRETORCH, INVISIDIBLE CHICK, SPIDERMAN, IRON MAN, PUNISHER DAZZLER. PROBALY EVEN POWER PACK. WHEN HE HAD A BEYONDMAN POWERS CAPTIN AMERICA (WITH NO SHEILD!!!!!!!!!) BEAT HIS ASS. HAS HE EVER WIN? SO WHY STAR RT AGAINST THULSA DOOM? AN EASY
    CALL………………………………….?!

    THE SECON – CONAN

    NO POWERS? TRY THESE ON FOR SIZE HOTSHOT:

    MAKE PANTYS DROP
    FUCK-UP ANY SORCERER
    KILL
    CDOME BACK FROM DEAD
    TAME GRACE JONAS
    ALSO THE TERMANATOR

    I BET THEIRS MORE BUT DOES HE EVEN NEED MORE? NO WAY. A HUNDRED YEARS FROM NOW NO ONE WILL REMMERBER DOC DOOM BUT JON CENA’S GREATGRANKID WILL BE A STAR OF CONAN THE REBOOT MOVIE”! AND THULSA DOOM IS IN IT VILLAN.

  6. 6 Scott LeMien
    June 2, 2011 at 10:54 am

    posting in epic thread.

  7. June 2, 2011 at 12:03 pm

    Hmm, taming Grace Jones probably is a super power, but it comes with Limitation: Malick.

    Let’s talk about Thulsa Doom’s success record, while we’re at it!
    * (movie) kills defenseless villagers
    * (movie) temporarily kidnaps king’s daughter
    * (movie) shoots Valeria in the back, oops, no more magic to raise you b/c nobody cares
    * (story) impersonates a cat as a slave to the serpent people
    * (comic) plagiarizes co-creation Thoth-Amon’s plan from “Phoenix on the Sword”
    * (comic) gets eaten by throne
    * (comic) skull talks after death
    * (real life) tricks Oliver Stone into mistaking him for Thoth-Amon in movie script
    * that is it for his 10,000 year life: successfully impersonanting a cat for a little while

    Thulsa Doom is small-time.

    Full disclosure: Doctor Doom was apparently defeated by Squirrel Girl. I prefer to view this as Steve Ditko urinating on the trademarks of the company that screwed him, but it nonetheless happened.

  8. 8 James Nostack
    June 2, 2011 at 1:16 pm

    Other problem with Thulsa Doom is that he’s a loser even as an idea! Unpulished in author’s lifetime, re-written as Thoth-Amon in Phoenix on the Sword, movie version no resemblance to actual character, best known as Skeletot hanging with Trapjaw and Triclops.

    Doctor Doom at least has an identity of his own . . . Yes he loses to Dazzler (who also beats a herald of Galactus) but that’s the law of large numbers for you. He fights everybody. Thulsa Doom can’t even get published properly

  9. 9 Naked Sam
    June 2, 2011 at 1:36 pm

    Skeletot? Was there a version of He-Man Babies I wasn’t aware of?

  10. 10 joeskythedungeonbrawler
    June 2, 2011 at 3:01 pm

    REMEMBLER THE COMIC-BOOK ADS? LET ME NOW IF DOCTORDOOM EVER CAN BEAT DAREDEVIL TO GET THE TASTIE HOSTESS TWINKIES…………A TOUGH ONE TO BEAT A BLIND GUY, MAY-BE USE TEH TIME MASHINE OR A TRICKER SPELL TO WIN.

  11. June 2, 2011 at 3:20 pm

    What does ‘archonic’ mean? Should it be ‘iconic’?

  12. 12 James Nostack
    June 2, 2011 at 6:14 pm

    It’s true Doctor Doom lost a battle over Twinkies to a blind guy.

    It’s also true that Thulsa Doom would KILL for that kind of recognition.

    I may be totally making up “archonic.”. It’s that kind of blog! (or, I guess it is now.). I was going for the adjective of archon, meaning like a stern, fearsome, cruel archangel guy for the ruler of a corrupted universe. All the kids are sayin’ it. Anyway, it seems to fit the Judge pretty good.

    come to think of it, Blood Meridian is a wilderness hex crawl. It’s just nothing but adventurers running batshit amok

  13. 13 Charlatan
    June 2, 2011 at 7:21 pm

    Derrida claimed archons were so named as keepers of the archive. So, really, archonic should mean “librarianly”.

  14. 14 Zak S
    June 2, 2011 at 8:12 pm

    According to Epiphanius, the Phibionites…

    “…are said to subscribe to the notion, found among other Gnosticgroups as well, that this world is separated from the divine realm by 365 heavens, each with its own ruling archon. Just as the divine redeemer who brought the secret knowledge of salvation into the world descended through all 365 heavens and then reascended, so too the redeemed must pass by all the archons, twice. The journey is foreshadowed here on earth through a kind of empathy, as the man, during the course of the sex liturgy, calls out the secret name of one of the ruling archons, effecting a kind of identification with him that allows for safe passage through his realm. Since each archon must be passed by twice, as Epiphanius is quick to point out, each of the Phibionite men can expect to seduce female devotees on at least 730 occasions.”

    Also, according to Epiphanius, this seduction takes the following form:

    “Married couples separate to engage in a liturgy of sexual intercourse, each with another member of the community. The union is not meant to be consummated, however, for the man withdraws before climax. The couple then collects his semen in their hands and ingests it together while proclaiming, “This is the body of Christ.””

    Quoted in “Lost Christianities” by Bart Ehrman

    So, y’know, “archonic” could mean a -lot- of things.

  15. June 2, 2011 at 9:36 pm

    All right, who’s been blabbing actual play reports from the invitation-only game?! No more body of Christ for you, whoever you are!

    Zak, thanks for that. One of the back-burner projects is a jaunt into weird-ass Bible stuff, and that looks like an interesting place to start.


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